Monday, 16 November 2009

I just don't know what to do with myself

Recently I have been thinking about what it is that I want to do with my life. I feel that I am more intelligent than I may seem on the surface. I'm probably somewhat more and less geekier than many think and frankly I'm bored with my current life! I feel as though I am simply preparing for death. Living a life because you're alive is not living a life at all! I know that if I knew what it was that I wanted to do, I would be able to attain it. I'm pretty dogged like that. The whole problem seems to come down to this...I just don't know what to do with myself. Now apart from being a line from an amazing song, it's also the best way to describe me right now.

I'm thinking harder now than ever before about what I want to do and where I want to go. I still have no answers. I wonder; what if I simply up and left. Get a train, bus, hitch-hike or whatever, I could be out of this place. If I don't spend for two pays which is a month, I could fuck off to no-where and come back if I felt like it. This might sound all depressing but it's not, I think it's the lack of conformity I need right now. I need a change of scenery!

I'm noticing my ability to fit in socially is declining and has been for some time. I want less and less to be around people but in the same sense I want it more and more. This, to me at least, makes no sense!

I work in a small computer shop with a number of residential and SME customers, it's IT and in a way it's people management. Now when I used to be on my game I was fine at handling both the tech side as well as the people management but now I want to crawl up into bed and not get up.

I apologise for the dark tone of this post, but hey, it's how I feel at the moment. I'm sure it'll be all good once I find what it is I'm meant to be doing BUT that might be some time and consist of me doing lots of things I don't want to do. I also tend to think I have high expectations or wants which aren't direct wants but linked to whatever it is that I end up doing. Though I suspect that's also making it harder to locate my ideal career.

Maybe my life is a poorly programmed bubble sort?

You win! I ROCK!
Good night Seattle.

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